I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
