I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize