I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize