I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
