he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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