just tell him i said nine months
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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