She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
