they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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