I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
