is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
