my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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