I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
