there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
