I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
