I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
