Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
