I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
