People in love make me want to vomit
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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