I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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