How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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