The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
