So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
