my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
