true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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