While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
