Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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