my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
