my vag is so smooth its legendary
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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