when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I would fuck him just for his dog
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