Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
