Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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