So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
