She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
