Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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