last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
