Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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