i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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