I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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