At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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