I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
