My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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