I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
