do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
