I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
