you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize