I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
