mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
