I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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