Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
