I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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