We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
