I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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