you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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