I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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