I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
