Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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