i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
