im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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