And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
