Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
