I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm bleeding and have questions
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
