i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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