How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
