Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
