Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize