My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
