If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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