New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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