I will die if light touches me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
